moody_godess (moody_godess) wrote in whisperingwell,

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a very long intro to a newbie

well after reading some journals, i think ive scared myself even more of what can become of me (as far as medications go)

im 23. ive been having problems for about 11 years now. and as i get older (although i was hoping i would just get happy one day), episodes last longer and symptoms get worse it seems.

i have no official diagnosis, since i have not gotten up the nerve to see a phsychiatrist. honestly , im scared to death of divulging info about me that ive told no one else; mostly because im afraid of what it'll do to me. how ill react to myself!

im scared to death of being on pills and their side effects. tried paxil once for about 6 months perscribed by my medical doctor (whose answer was paxil when i asked for Xanex; only time i ever asked for medication; was going through hell at the time) felt it wasnt doing anything.. so i just stopped taking it cold turkey. i knew better, but said fuck it and just stopped. i hated taking it... hated the possibilty that i need something to sustain normalcy for dysfunctioning chemical reactions in my brain.

basically, ive self diagnosed myself with episodic major depression and some mood disorder that is probably not specified. although i do feel periods of highs and lows, i dont think i fit the criteria of bipolar or lower forms of bipolar. but i do wonder about that. i have uncontrollable mood swings that trigger at any point and time. mostly, demonstrated by quick angry banter or an appauling snappiness that leads me to guilt and self-disappointment of uncontrollable emotions for no good reason.

i have periods of elongated sleeps that are interrupted with work and other obligations. and during those periods, im pretty much walking on egg shells...excusing myself often from co workers, friends and fmaily to have private nervous breakdowns (ya know if big diasters happened like if my pencil tip broke when i was writing)....

either im sleeping all the time wishing for it to end or im flying high feeling more like myself with confidence. but i know its not normal homeostasis of living. i dont think ive ever had that.

i had bouts of anxiety in college, but that seems to have subsided.. havent had a panic attack in a while luckily..those really suck.

i dont lose my functioning...i have a strong work ethic that always gets me to work (if for no other reason than to jsut force me outa the house; cuz i know staying home spirals me) ..but when im going through..well..whatever i have... i become extremely robotic and its getting worse now. cuz i can see it affecting my work, my job. and since i work in healthcare, its not acceptable to me.

right now, im feeling good. just got over about 6 months of NOT feelign good. guess now, im just waiting to crash again. i know i will. its inevitable.

yeah i know i should get some help. biggest step i took so far was contacting my insurance for a number. ironically, i lost the number.

how do you get over needing help? i dont want to live this way anymore. i cant sustain a relationship. i cant express anger. i cant express my feelings. (and im a girl should be second nature ;)

i dont know what im looking for here. but it couldnt hurt to ask.
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